


Bloody Knees and All

by petalSpitter



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Crude Humor, Flash Fiction, Gen, Hemophilia, More on Jester's backstory, This is a first draft and hastily written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-05
Updated: 2018-03-05
Packaged: 2019-03-27 02:24:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,142
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13871103
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petalSpitter/pseuds/petalSpitter
Summary: Jester has a teensy tiny little thing she didn't tell anyone about when she told them all her backstory. That's alright. It'll tell them all for her.





	Bloody Knees and All

“That’s a _lot_ of blood, Jester.” Beau leaned away from the other girl, trying to scoot further down the wagon seat.

“Hm?” She jerked her head up and away from her sketchbook. “What’re you- Shit!” Jester slammed the book shut and threw it down in the space growing between her and Beau, muttering a curse as she rifled through her bag for a new bandage.

“Did you tear it open somewhere down the road?” Beau held out one of her own healing kits as the rest of the party began to take notice.

“Tear what open?” Caleb asked from the front of the wagon, craning his neck to look back.

“My knee. I cut it open playing on the stairs and it’s... it’s doing its’ thing.” She unceremoniously shed her boots as she tore the rusty old bandage off.

“The stairs? You mean all the way back in the Nestled Nook?” Fjord pulled on the reins to stop the horses, then turned around in his own seat.

“Oh my _goooooood_ , it’s just a little cut you all don’t need to watch!” Jester curled up in her seat, trying to hide as she hastily covered the still trickling wound.

“It’s a little concerning that your minor injuries keep bleeding for days on end. Just saying.” Beau put away the medical kit as Jester silently fumed in her seat.

“Are you sure you should be here if-?” Fjord was cut off.

“I’m  _fine!_ It’s nothing, it’s fine, I’m fine- I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine I’m fine It’s- _Fine!_ ” She pulled her boots back on as fast as she could and yanked her leggings and skirts over her knees, hugging them and hiding behind them as everyone’s eyes bore into her. “I’m perfectly  _fine!_ ”

“We’re not saying we’re kicking you out. We’re just... Uh....” Beau’s face screwed up as she looked for the right word. “Worried. Should you really be adventuring if you get-?”

“Well,  _Caleb’s_ still here and he’s almost  _died_ way more times than me!” She jabbed a finger at the front of the wagon.

“Hey...” The wizard looked mildly offended as Jester went back to tightly hugging her knees.

“Yeah, he can’t help that he’s shit at staying alive,” Mollymauk interjected with a smirk.

“What’s your deal, anyway? Why’re you-”

“Well,  _maybe_ I’m just a little upset my new teammates want to _abandon me_ for one itsy-bitsy, teeny-tiny little thing!” Jester snapped, snarling at Beau.

“Uh-” Beau leaned back even further, mouth hanging agape.

“Jessy, we’re not gonna abandon you,” Fjord spoke up. “If we ditched everyone we knew who was made of plasticine Caleb and Molly would be sitting and spinning back in Trostenwald.” He gestured to the two men. “I think what Beau was trying to ask was ‘What’s the cause of your bloody knee?’ Right?” Fjord turned to Beau, who nodded and eased back into her seat.

“You could’ve asked _nicer._ ” Jester took a deep breath, unfurling from the tight little ball she’d wound herself into. “It’s from my dad. He had the royal’s disease and passed it onto me. I kept hurting myself playing when I was younger so my mom tried to make sure I stayed in really soft and safe places growing up and it was _sooo boring_.” Her hands flew up as she spoke, her wild facial expressions and perfectly timed tosses and turns of her head adding to the performance.

“One time, when I was around 12 years old, a man came up to me after I really fucked up my knee- I mean, really fucked it up! He used a magic spell to heal it up before I lost too much blood and taught me how to heal myself. After that, I got a lot braver and started getting out even more because I didn’t have to crawl home after tripping on every little thing- I still got in trouble when the laundresses showed my mom all my bloody socks and skirts, but he came back and taught me how to cover that up, too. And then he started coming back every day after that! We played together every single day! We were the sneakiest duo in the entire brothel until- hum hum hum, hah hah hah, woo wha wha- the girdle and the balcony.”

“So why’re you still bleeding? You’ve been healing yourself, haven’t you?” Fjord tilted his head to get a better look at the hastily tied bandage on her knee.

“Yes... but sometimes my old wounds have a habit of sticking around even after I heal myself. I just have to focus a spell on  _that_ little injury-” She tore off the red-and-white bandage, pressing a nail into the skin right beside the still-oozing cut and willing it to knit itself back together. “-and it’s all fixed!”

“If the royal’s disease affects the blood and makes it all... loose does that mean he had loose boners?” Molllymauk held up a limp hand and smacked it before wiggling it in Nott’s face. “Look at it, no firmness at all. Poor thing must’ve been like trying to fuck an old string.”

“You need a working dick to make a baby happen.” She gestured to herself. “I happened! He must’ve had a perfectly good dick!”

“The royal’s disease only affects blood _outside_ the body. When it’s inside I’m sure Mr Jester’s Dad could’ve had a perfectly good boner.” Caleb interjected.

“Oh! Oh oh oh! If he got a cut on his boner would it deflate like a balloon? Or look like when you squeeze a pig bladder and pee shoots out in a line?” Nott excitedly spoke up around an armful of Frumpkin, her eyes glittering with curiosity.

“I don’t know about you two, especially _you_ -” Fjord pointed at Molly.” -but I think getting a slice on your member would run the mood in an instant.”

Molly let out a deep-throated chuckle and a flirty ‘oh’.

“No wonder you were in the circus...” Beau quipped. “Do you even need the royal’s disease to do that pig bladder thing? Do all boners pop like balloons if you prick ‘em?”

“Are... are you asking to prick one of our pricks?” Caleb not-so-subtly pulled his coat over himself.

“Noooo....” She waved her hand around and shook her head, then thought for a second. “Yeeeeeeeees, actually.”

“I vol-” Molly raised his hand with a smirk.

“Not yours.”

The rest of the day passed in a whirlwind of conversation, the topics bouncing around wildly but remaining as crude as the first as the six worked themselves into a frenzy of laughter and conversation.

When it finally came time to set up camp and everyone quieted down as they went to sleep one by one, Jester lovingly scribbled two drawings: boners being popped like balloons, and her new friends, all saying they loved her, bloody knees and all.

**Author's Note:**

> I made up a one sentence prompt ("that's a lot of blood") and challenged myself to write something for it as fast as I could to claw my way out of writer's block. Comments are always appreciated!


End file.
